Since the Spring, I had been joking with friends every time I heard a story that sounded like BULL, “Oh yeah. You can reach them at dennis@acompulsiveliar.com, or gil@acompulsiveliar.com or insertyournamehere@acompulsiveliar.com.

The joke was shared with most everyone at camp so I registered the name online. The bull finally became legit.

MY FIRST VICTIM OCT 08

     It was a crazy runaround day. I went to the dealership in the next county for an oil change and to visit with my little brother. He is in sales. My factory cd player had been acting up so I asked if it was covered on my extended warranty. Surprise, it was! I could get a factory cd/radio for the $100 deductible. No thanks. I will put that money toward a super mp3/multi cd/radio player. It made more sense. I am such a good shopper. The overpriced oil change at the dealership was worth bothering my brother, and they gave me a carwash. I was done in 30 minutes and jumped in my car for the next stop, the tire store. I turned on my lame radio and it was full of static! Where is my antennae??? They broke off my antennae in the car wash! Dang! Turn around down the road, drive into service and ask “May I please have my antennae?” “Oh so sorry, Wendy. We will have to remove your front quarter panel to replace the base. But we do have one is stock.” Hurray. “You guys better get ALL the dead bugs off my car for this oops!” My 30 minute oil change turned into 2 hours. AND I had people coming over for dinner tonight!

     Thank goodness the tire guy my brother knew was expecting me. They were giving me a sweet deal, including rotation and install. “Oh, man please rush me through if you can. I have friends coming over for dinner in an hour! Do you want to touch my vinyl diamond plate car graphics for a dollar?? Do you need any signs??” He didn’t need signs but could use some help with advertising. “Super, I will get my card for you.” I handed over my official Fine Signs card and my one line wendy@acompulsiveliar.com card. “What is this,” he asked. “Well, I am a story teller,” I replied. “Wonderful! Send me a story!! Pleeeease,” he replied. “Do you want the PG story or an R story,” I asked. Of course he wanted a XXX story. I promised him a story. And I was outta there in 30 minutes. I was grateful for the super service! He liked my verbal antennae story. This was going to be fun.

     I got home with one minute to check email before friends started arriving for dinner. Mr. Tireguy had already sent an email to me. LOL. I replied a quick hello and said that I would send a story to him Monday when I returned from NY after camping for the weekend. His second email a second later said that the other email didn’t go through. I simply replied, “Of course. That’s because it is a lie !” Silly man. My first unsuspecting victim was born and a new customer.

     I did send him a story a week later. It was a thought provoking R rated story about a fire circle dancer that was overtaken by the magic of the rhythms of fabulous drummers…

Please dont missunderstand. I am NOT a liar but a pretty good story teller. I will tell you stories of truth and amuzement. If they get out of hand, I will admit to lying for better effect.  You can always ask if you arent sure... The truth is stranger than fiction!

NUMBER 2: This could be me, note name at the bottom

Maxi pad customer letter

  This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman
  sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She
  really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009
  Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

  Dear Mr. Thatcher,

  I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
  features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd
  probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
  clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

  But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't
  tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
  in my pants.

  Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of
  the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal
  forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
  body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
  'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

  Isn't the human body amazing?

  As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on
  what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
  Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we
  endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
  behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

  The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
  in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month,
  while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body
  and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on
  the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
  </mail/s/?view=att&th=12ab684a45fa24e9&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw>

  Are you f------ kidding me?
  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
  happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a
  menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
  pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
  S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you
  have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
  just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting
  rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

  For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
  wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
  'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

  Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop
  in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.
  And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute
  miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

  Always. . ...

  Wendi Aarons
  Austin , TX